i miss you

forever youll stay gold

yesterday, i talked to mike a LOT because of being at school till 9 or so. when hes not around other people and it isnt the middle of the day anymore, hes more normal; we have conversations and stuff. so yesterday, we were talking about my past relationships and seth and how seth rushes into everything all the time, over and over, and never learns his lesson. we were talking about how seth told me i love you after going out for like, 3 days. we both agreed it was ridiculous, because it's pointless to say i love you unless you really, really, positively, absolutely mean it, and saying it at any other time takes away the meaning of the phrase. it empties it. we're been going out for 2 weeks or so and we dont tell each other i love you (we havent at all), because we both feel the same way about the phrase. i think its so cool because now if we every do get to that point where we say it, it will mean so much more than it would have otherwise.



on another note, im going to kill tom more than ever after what i just heard.

We're leaving here tonight, there's no need to tell anyone

They'd only hold us down

So by the morning light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name


I've been really happy...since we're both kind of insane, I can act like myself around you and not feel as if you are judging me. That's a really good feeling. I don't feel suffocated or like I'm acting.


And you rock for wearing that pink sweatshirt. In a major way.


Walter McCarthy and Justin Whatever are getting a bit annoying about it in first hour...they make comments about it even when we aren't touching. But then again, Justin is dating a freshman, so if he keeps it up I'll just bring up the fact that he's a creepy child rapist.



I read Andrea's blog post about all those different people she has problems with. I'm thinking I'm number five, but I'm not sure. It's not that I realKATIE JUST NOM-ED MY NECKly care all too much, and I sound childish for analyzing it, I know, but it's curiosity, you know? I wonder which one applies to which people so I can see if I relate. If I agree.

Seth is still being ridiculous. I'm not even going INto the argument the other day, but I'm sure if you talk to me often you know the whole story. He's still, apparantly not getting over it. He's angry with both me and Mike, and I feel really bad about getting between Mike and Seth because they're friends and now they aren't really talking. I also feel bad about going out with Seth's best friend and making things awkward, but it just happened. I went out with the wrong one. I truly believe if I had gotten to know Seth better before I dated him, I never would have gone out with him. He'd have made an okay friend, but I just don't like him as more at all. And right now I don't like him at ALL. He gets so pissed off about EVERYTHING!!!! Stupid, inconsequential things that no normal person would even be slightly bothered by. So for that I could care less about him. People keep coming up to me that I have never even talked to before when I am with Mike, and are all "Weren't you going out with his friend before him?" and I feel like I should be ashamed of myself. But not enough to do anything about it, because I know I have nothing to be ashamed OF. I made my decision, and I'm sorry I made a mistake. I righted it by breaking up with him before he got toooo attached. I just couldn't tolerate him any more.

The anger reminded me of Tom.

Andrea told me she saw him and Shawna (Shaneighneigh) walking down the hall holding hands, and if they hadn't been touching you wouldn't have even know they knew each other. She said they were walking as far away from each other as possible, and looking straight ahead with emotionless expressions. I'm kind of sorry he's unhappy, but not really.

The corn maze last night was amazingly fun. I love Matt's parents. (I knew I liked his dad already but I had never met his mom.) And I truly believe I got closer to Mike last night. I spent eight full hours by his side. He wore my hot pink sweatshirt in public because I wanted him to. He kept me warm outside. For six hours. It was awesome. If my mom was cool I would have just spent the night with him X] Not in a sexual way. I just didn't want to leave.

I got really emotional last night in the car when I was tired on the way home and was laying across Mike's legs in the car listening to Evanescence and Amy Lee/Seether and random other music.


Mike and Matt together are really humorous. Other people are probably afraid of them but since I know both of them already and I as well am completely insane, it was just really funny.


I saw more stars last night when I was laying with Mike on the trampoline than I have ever seen in my life. It's times like those when I would not mind living in a rural area. I saw shooting stars and everything. It was so pretty. And enlightening. And gave me that frustrated feeling I get when I feel the need to express my feelings and cannot find a medium for it. I wanted to represent the stars in my own way and I couldn't. So I settled for holding Mike's hand and staring at them until we had to go. We must have been there for half an hour, just looking up at the sky.



I feel peaceful.

since i actually took the time to become friends with this one first and made sure he didnt bug me

maybe this time it'll work out.


i really really hope so.

this is just a declaration

we wont back down

kate told me he has a right to not talk to me because i broke his heart. she told me he loved me a lot and i just dumped him.
she said you dont just fall out of love with someone, and i told her i guess i did because i liked him but then i didnt anymore. she said, well then you didnt actually love him! and i went yeah, i probably didnt, because i knew him for like a month, if that! and she said, well then why did you tell him you loved him!? and i said it was because he told me he loved me, and what am i supposed to say? and anyways, when he started saying that, i DID like him a lot. was i expected to be like, actually, no, i dont like you that much? its just awkward. i dont know. i didnt mean to hurt him, but seriously. grow a pair. we went out for like two weeks. and its not like he hasnt been hitting on other girls.

and about the you dont just fall out of love thing---



i disagree one hundred percent. people get divorced after like, 20 years all the time because they just realize they dont like the other one that much anymore. it happens. it happened. im sorry. it does. its not like kates little miss expert, anyways. shes no older than i am.

just dont forget this

we wont regret this

i had 69 posts before this one. X]

"you say im a close friend after knowing me for 21 days?"


you say you love me after knowing me for three?



i didnt want to do it but i had to and it was fair and it was right and i did it and im sorry but it needed to be done and i hope you can forgive me.

and i completely did not realize that the title of that post corresponded so perfectly to the second half of what i just wrote. isnt that creepy? i picked the title at random and decided what i was going to talk about after, and now i just looked at it and realized that it ties in really really well.

We're alive and we drive to the center of it where we know we're all fine and this just can't be it

And in the end we all know we only breathe for so long

So I realized last night that I missed you. Before, I wasn't so sure that I did, that maybe I needed some time or something, but by the end of the night I kept wanting you there. Which is good. Very good. At first, I was kind of enjoying some freedom, because I normally don't do too good in relationships (they make me feel a little suffocated and restricted, I'm a very independent person), but by like, 9:30, I kept wondering why you weren't there, because I wanted to dance with you. so yeah, i think that as long as we keep having breaks like this we'll be fine. i just can't be right next to you every single second of every day cause i feel both a lil restricted and guilty for taking so much of your time when you could be off doing something for yourself. i think thats why im so insistent on you being selfish sometimes -- i certainly am, and i guess it gets into my head that you'd want the same thing and be the same way, even if you actually arent. but just know that you can do something with your friends or with yourself instead of me sometimes. i wont get hurt, because i certainly do it. just dont blow off highly important plans to do it. but like, if you ever want to just go home after school, go for it. if we're supposed to go out or something and you decide you dont really want to, just let me know. i have friends, i can find something else to do. i wont be upset. but dont take all this to mean i dont want to see you and be with you and hang out with you, because i do.


the other day me and my mom went to target and costco and bought stuff, and then stopped at my grandparents house to drop off some coffee. while we were there, i went up to my great grandmas room to talk to her cause i havent seen her in a while. ive always liked her, i kind of think we have a bond because im her oldest great grandchild. so anyways i talked to her for a while until we left, then in the car on the way home i told my mom i went and talked to her. she told me i should go talk to her more often because she's been getting worse and is probably going to die soon. when she said that i wasn't really surprised, but i was kind of angry that she said it, because i dont even want to think about that. and its a really depressing thought. when she does, im going to be so sad because that connection will be gone, and theres something just so cool about her being my connection to my heritage. i dont want that to be lost. i dont want things to change. i guess shes just always been there and i dont want her going anywhere.

i agree with andrea.