i never meant to hurt you..i never meant to make you cry but tonight

im cleaning out my closet.

im sorry to have to say this, but im not sorry we're fighting.

you did the same fucking thing, over and over. so now that im doing it you know what it's called? karma.

this is fucking karma. deal with it. if you dont like it, dont fucking talk to me.

because i don't need you. i have other friends.

im falling in and out of love;;

its just what i need

thursday sort of changed it. ive already given you the note that told you about it, but here i am saying this again, i think maybe in better words this time.

id been hearing you say it for months (2 and a week or so by now, countless times a day, it doesnt seem that long but really it kind of is) but when you looked into my eyes and listened to me when i asked you to stop, it just clicked. you're not lying. you really do. and i realized that i do too and im not just saying it. im not lying to you or myself.
<3

This smile, don't look

It's my bait, my words, the hook.

toms back thank god. i went over on saturday which was soooo muchhhh funnnn. i am not going into what we did against the wall of his house in the rain...

he made me watch parts of the mist but it wasnt too bad cuz it wasnt so realistic so it didnt freak me out. plus the whole 11 year old boy party setting with lights....hard to get freaked. then his brother decided he wanted to do laser tag. so i went too and talked to his mom while he played and kicked his brother and cousin's asses.
glow in the dark mini golf with your boyfriend is so much fucking fun. lotss of making out. i hope they dont have lots of security cameras.

daddy met him and his mom but it went fine. 7 weeks, 8 on friday. i love him. which is good.

i made my mom cry last night because im so fucking blunt. i need to stop telling her the truth when she asks why i dont come out of my room.

so i discovered today that unless youre one of the 20 or so people i regularly enjoy talking to, i just dont want to hear you talk. what the fuck. i cant just tell people not to talk. what is wrong with me? anthony thought i was high today, thats how out of it i was...save meeeeeeeee. o well. ill live.

and avery is expelled.

hold me, hold me, if i were to...

i cant, cant, i swear i cant let you

this was my day:


john foss put my phone in his pants (all the way, underwear too) at lunch, and then travis truax and brian sharp were throwing fries down my shirt, adn then john and tyler raitanen were trying to get into my bag to steal my amp, and then when i was talking about how violated i was today jessica came up behind me and grabbed my ass.

amp as in the energy drink fyi

and this second part was while all the guys i was walking down the hall with were being all rowdy and trying to put my hood up and pushing each other into lockers and such.

i have great friends. toms coming back tonight! =]

let the torturing ensue

my soul is worthless without you

tom is in D.C. till friday for rotc so im lonely. =[

and avery might be expelled :O

that is all.

can you feel your heartbeat racing

can you taste the fear in her sweat

ok so its like 1 in the morning and im sitting here in andreas living room blogging...i need a life. yesterday (or i guess it was the day before, but its not tomorrow until i sleep even though technically it is tomorrow. was that coherent?) when i was frustrated i wrote out everything i disliked about tom and then typed it here. butttt then he called and i told him cuz andrea'd told him about it so we talked about it and now hes gonna try to be better, i suppose. i hope he will, because john and katy have the same kind of problems we do, and they dont seem to be doing too well. i dont want that to happen to me and tom, even there is a lot that tends to upset me. because everyone has that in some form, and we just need to learn to get past it. idk. whatever i guess. i do love him, i do like to be around him, for god knows why. he tends to like to piss people off, and i get people asking me how i could possibly like him all the time. the answer to that i dont know. i just DO. maybe its because im a bitch myself, so i like the way it makes me feel better about myself, or something. the thing is though, that i seriously couldnt tell you why. im not saying hes a horrible person that no one should like, not at all, im just saying that i cannot come up with one quality that makes me specifically drawn to him. hes funny, hes nice (to me), but i can say that about a lot of guys i know. i dont know what it is that makes him so special. i dont know anything. i dont even know what the point of this post is or why youre reading it. what i do know is that i hope tom will continue trying to be better, like he said he would when we talked about everything about him that bugs me. the thing is that hes him, and he doesnt tend to keep those promises. i dont know if he just gets bored of trying to do the right thing, or just gets apathetic, or just gives up because he doesnt care enough....idkidkidkidk IWISHIFUCKINGDIDTHOUGHCUZITDBENICETOHAVESOMEONEWHOWOULDCONTINUETRYINGAFTERAWEEKORSO. rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. =[. i need sleep. i need a life. i need coherency. i need you, tom. sneak out of your house, come see me. right now. all i need is to be held while i sleep. im lonely and insecure.

cause im broken when i'm open

and i dont feel right when you're gone away

much too offended
acting bipolar
liz...
i love you

me you could hurt
me on the floor
liz...
i love you

those three words
dont mean anything
liz...
i love you

you've got to prove that
the truth you mean
liz...
i love you

i need to know
it isnt a lie
liz..
i love you

"prove it? but how?"
you say with a sigh
liz...
i love you

but why believe?
you lie to me
liz...
i love you

it seems to come
too easily
liz..
i love you

you shut me up
i say no more
liz...
i love you

you've won me back
i'm yours to hurt
liz...
i love you

do as you wish
say nothing i will
as i steadily grow
unhappier still
act like a jerk
forgetting your role
your anger or something
eats at your soul
where's the compassion?
affection you had?
do you really want to
end up like your dad?
you say you love me
but can that be true?
when lately you act
too much like...well, you?
but how is it right?
it's me that you're with
but lately all that
you tell me is myth
i thought i was different
let's start over new
think next time you say
liz...
i love you

i feel accomplished

today was quite entertaining. remember last year when justin ghannam (aka fatty gross disgusting pig etc etc) would grab my ass every day at lunch?

today i got my revenge.

he wouldnt let go of toms backpack when we were trying to walk so i was like can i just kick him in the balls and tom was like sure

i should fucking play soccer or something, i NAILED him. on the bus tyra (who sits in front of him in english 6th hour, the hour right after i did it) said he was in pain and she was like why? and he said that he just got kicked in the balls harder than he ever did in his life.

so, therefore, i am now at peace. but still scarred for life. thanks for that, justin ghannam.
amanda, i hate your maybe-cousin.

oh btw tom has to get his hair cut for rotc (his mom is making him) but it wont be thattttt bad although bad enough. i suppose hes doing that right now. he asked me to not break up with him in front of a lot of people if i was going to, and i was like HOW SHALLOW DO YOU THINK I AM??? but...anyways...his mom will probably owe him for that, so hell be able to go over andreas saturday. probably. hopefully.
that is all.

you wont find me here

the place that you expected me to be

so he was in the bathroom. why couldnt he tell me that straight off? i dont count that as skipping because i do that too. sarah is prolly mad at me because i told him shes the one who said he wasnt there, but he wouldnt believe me if i didnt have proof that someone who he knows knew he wasnt there told me. so im not THAT sorry about it, but i am sorry he bitched you out. is travis mad at me? thats the first time hes ever asked to talk to me alone. =\ idk i like him hes nice idk if he likes me though. i know jake doesnt like me, known that for a while, but todays the first day he ever actually told me to my face that he doesnt like me very much. idc though, not crazy about him so whooo cares. =] not meee
mom met tom today, didnt really say much about him other than his hair is almost as interesting as andreas. i thought that was mean, it IS all the same length. ==] i like it. i didnt mind missing the bus either, i got to talk to travis and spend wayy more time with tom. i think todays the longest amount of time weve ever spent together at school because of late start and getting picked up like half an hour after school. hmm. avery was acting civil today cuz he was sober, i dont like him when hes high though, at all. eric kid in ss is getting annoying. ive been talking to kara owens more lol i think thats a bit odddd but shes nice to me so w/eee.

tom told me all his friends are complaning about me cuz i dont like him smoking or skipping or getting high (what i dont get is why, since he doesnt listen to anything but the last one). i dont care though, i dont like a lot of them so yeahh.....if by friends he means avery i care less. averys a dumbshit. anyways, this is how i am, so get over it. i asked if he was gonna break up with me then and he said "FUCK no!!" all insulted so i suppose theyll just have to get over it.
im apathetic.

what the fuck is going on

"cassie " (4:04:55 PM): what did he lie about?

"cassie " (4:04:59 PM): jsut the skipping

"cassie " (4:05:01 PM): or something more

wexlackxamity (4:05:09 PM): are u talking about yesterday?

"cassie " (4:05:20 PM): the entry thing at the top

wexlackxamity (4:05:35 PM): he lied about doing pot with carl, i had told carl that if they did it i would leave, but then he said he didnt and i couldnt tell if he was lying or not

"cassie " (4:05:47 PM): oh

"cassie " (4:05:47 PM): wow

wexlackxamity (4:05:49 PM): and then last night he apologized after i posted that, promised all sorts of stuff

wexlackxamity (4:05:55 PM): promised again that he was done w skipping

wexlackxamity (4:06:31 PM): then today carl told me tom was planning on skipping 6th hour. but then when i saw him b4 6th hour he said he wasnt, that was avery, and hes not skipping like he told me then we sort of got in a lil fight

wexlackxamity (4:06:40 PM): cuz i told him thank god, i didnt wanna have to consider dumping him

wexlackxamity (4:06:48 PM): and he was like wtf ud have dumped me for skipping

wexlackxamity (4:07:07 PM): and i was like no, i would have THOUGHT about doing it for lying to me and breaking ur promise

wexlackxamity (4:07:11 PM): so he got pissed and le ft

wexlackxamity (4:07:19 PM): but after 6th hour he was fine and said he understood

wexlackxamity (4:07:22 PM): but he was kind of cold

"cassie " (4:07:24 PM): wow. major drama.

wexlackxamity (4:07:26 PM): like literally, cold

wexlackxamity (4:07:31 PM): and i wasnt sure

"cassie " (4:07:34 PM): at least your day was exciting

wexlackxamity (4:07:37 PM): and my friend jenna has 6th hour w him

wexlackxamity (4:07:42 PM): and she said she didnt see him

wexlackxamity (4:07:45 PM): but thats the capa classs

wexlackxamity (4:07:50 PM): so i think its pretty chaotic

wexlackxamity (4:07:50 PM): but

wexlackxamity (4:07:51 PM): idk

"cassie " (4:07:58 PM): wait, so you aren't sure if he skipped?

wexlackxamity (4:07:59 PM): so im trying to get hold of katie cuz her bfs in that clas

wexlackxamity (4:08:00 PM): right

wexlackxamity (4:08:04 PM): im not sure if he did or not

wexlackxamity (4:08:09 PM): he said he didnt

"cassie " (4:08:12 PM): oh

wexlackxamity (4:08:22 PM): and he talked about talking to his 6th hour teacher about his grade

wexlackxamity (4:08:30 PM): but it was pretty general and he could have been making it up

wexlackxamity (4:08:43 PM): so im trying to get hold of katie so she can ask jake if tom was there

wexlackxamity (4:08:50 PM): and if he wasnt....i have no idea what ill do

"cassie " (4:09:08 PM): hmm

i wish i felt like i could trust him right off the bat, but im so paranoid about being taken advantage of and lied to. i think i trust him this time. and if im right and he listened, i love him even more and ill believe him again.

im crazy.
i was walking down the hall today and i was in a reallly weird mood and some tall guy in front of me comes up to this kid and goes HEY EDWIN! WHATS UP!? and i craccccckeddd upp and i was laughing for like a minute and a half before tom realized it
and then he was like what the hell are u laughing at and i was like WHO THE HELL NAMES THEIR KID EDWIN!?
lmfaoooo i couldnt stop laughing and idkkk y

thats my day. fuck it.