We're alive and we drive to the center of it where we know we're all fine and this just can't be it

And in the end we all know we only breathe for so long

So I realized last night that I missed you. Before, I wasn't so sure that I did, that maybe I needed some time or something, but by the end of the night I kept wanting you there. Which is good. Very good. At first, I was kind of enjoying some freedom, because I normally don't do too good in relationships (they make me feel a little suffocated and restricted, I'm a very independent person), but by like, 9:30, I kept wondering why you weren't there, because I wanted to dance with you. so yeah, i think that as long as we keep having breaks like this we'll be fine. i just can't be right next to you every single second of every day cause i feel both a lil restricted and guilty for taking so much of your time when you could be off doing something for yourself. i think thats why im so insistent on you being selfish sometimes -- i certainly am, and i guess it gets into my head that you'd want the same thing and be the same way, even if you actually arent. but just know that you can do something with your friends or with yourself instead of me sometimes. i wont get hurt, because i certainly do it. just dont blow off highly important plans to do it. but like, if you ever want to just go home after school, go for it. if we're supposed to go out or something and you decide you dont really want to, just let me know. i have friends, i can find something else to do. i wont be upset. but dont take all this to mean i dont want to see you and be with you and hang out with you, because i do.


the other day me and my mom went to target and costco and bought stuff, and then stopped at my grandparents house to drop off some coffee. while we were there, i went up to my great grandmas room to talk to her cause i havent seen her in a while. ive always liked her, i kind of think we have a bond because im her oldest great grandchild. so anyways i talked to her for a while until we left, then in the car on the way home i told my mom i went and talked to her. she told me i should go talk to her more often because she's been getting worse and is probably going to die soon. when she said that i wasn't really surprised, but i was kind of angry that she said it, because i dont even want to think about that. and its a really depressing thought. when she does, im going to be so sad because that connection will be gone, and theres something just so cool about her being my connection to my heritage. i dont want that to be lost. i dont want things to change. i guess shes just always been there and i dont want her going anywhere.