if the only way you hear whats going on is through my posts, youre probably starting to think im bipolar

so i talked to him on the phone and he wasnt all unresponsive so as long as i take it slowly i think we're going to be okay

and i hope this makes you happy now

that the flame we had is burning out

youve dragged me around
hanging on your every word
your every phone call
every smile, every touch
every small connection
suspended in the middle for months
not letting that get to me
even though i want more
because im so so close to everything
everything ive wanted for so long
long before, id be exalted at even your glance
now you claim i have your love
and im ecstatic
but like everything else
i start to bask in it
depend on it
and to punish me
fate takes it away
and the floor slides out from under me
and i hang in thin air for a split second that lasts a lifetime
until i realize my base is gone
and im falling
falling
my support has gone
my floor has departed
and im finished unless i suddenly learn how to fly



yes, thats all a metaphor.



my mom noticed my unhappiness yesterday. i was on the computer and she came over and asked to use it for a minute and so i stood up and turned towards her and i guess i had an unmasked moment because she looked at my face and like, melted and went oh my god honey whats WRONG you look so SAD!" and gave me a huge hug and patted my back. it was funny. i didnt know she was capable of being observant (or caring, for that matter.) i just told her i was fine and laughed, though, because nothing major is actually wrong with me, so why bother making a deal out of it? im just a little sad, thats all. i was so surprised she noticed, though. i gotta give her credit--> shes normally not the greatest or most sympathetic, but she has her moments.

its not what you said

its just the way you said it

so ive decided that we should all post a list of our favorite songs or songs we think everyone should hear (i chose 50 because i cant make a list with less X]. idk. it sounds fun. and we can like, expose ourselves to other peoples music tastes. see what we have in common, see what other people listen to that we dont or have never heard of. things like that. heres mine.
1. down and out - the academy is...
2. father part the clouds in the sky - akissforjersey
3. you oughta know - alanis morissette
4. this conversation is over - alesana
5. runaways - anberlin
6. dont be so hard - the audition
7. anything but ordinary - avril
8. why 6 is afraid of 7 - before their eyes
9. dont fear the reaper - blue oyster cult
10. my fist, your mouth, her scars - bullet for my valentine
11. the thin red line - a change of pace
12. love song - the cure
13. you should have killed me when you had the chance - a day to remember
14. superman - eminem
15. without me - eminem
16. missing - evanescence
17. anywhere - evanescence
18. the ransom - escape the fate
19. cry - faith hill
20. hemmorhage (in my hands) - fuel
21. iris - goo goo dolls
22. pain - jimmy eat world
23. sarah - kyo
24. in the end - linkin park
25. back 2 good - matchbox 20
26. if you wanted a song written about you, all you had to do was ask - mayday parade
27. i hate jimmy page - mindless self indulgence
28. starlight - muse
29. this is how i disappear - my chemical romance
30. the sharpest lives - my chemical romance
31. torn - natalie imbruglia
32. pressure - paramore
33. let the flames begin - paramore
34. your guardian angel - the red jumpsuit apparatus
35. prayer of the refugee - rise against
36. fallen - sarah mclachlan
37. a walk through hell - say anything
38. ambulance chaser - search the city
39. son of a gun - search the city
40. detroit was built on secrets - search the city
41. the rescue - search the city
42. XOXOXO - secret and whisper
43. broken - seether ft. amy lee
44. worlds apart - silverstein
45. my heroine (acoustic) - silverstein
46. i knew i should have worn red - the sophomore attempt
47. anthem of our dying day - story of the year
48. over and over - three days grace
49. the rumour - you me at six
50. the kill - 30 seconds to mars


phew. that took a long time to type. =]

if i had just one tear running down your cheek

Maybe I could cope
Maybe I'd get some sleep

If I had just one
Moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery
Would be well spent
Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that your feeling
A little more pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me
If your love could be caged, honey
I would hold the key A
nd conceal it underneath the pile of lies you handed me
And you'd hunt and those lies
They'd be all you'd ever find
And that'd be all you'd have to know
For me to be fine
And you'd cry a little
Die just a little
And baby I would feel
Just a little less pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me


when some girls get depressed or sad or lonely or need to feel pretty, they buy shoes. i buy homecoming and prom dresses. its hot pink, floor length, and was 17 dollars at parisian. i love it. it makes me look pretty. thta brings my collection of homecoming dresses (though this one is kind of prom-y as well) up to 5 - only one have i used. jesus im pathetic. but its ok. i sat around watching scrubs season one all over again and by the time i got halfway through the first disc i realized i needed to stop feeling sorry for myself so i made a playlist of songs by strong women in which they dont need men. over 40 songs, i listened to it all the way through and it took about 2 1/2 hours. 2 1/2 hours of just sitting on my bed with my eyes closed, occassionally writing down lyrics in my lyrics notebook, just feeling empowered and i needed that so much.

1. almost lover - a fine frenzy ( i know this one isnt too i-dont-need-men-y but it fit the feeling)
2. before he cheats - carrie underwood
3. behind these hazel eyes - kelly clarkson
4. big girls dont cry - fergie
5. call me when youre sober - evanescence
6. colors of the wind - pocahontas
7. come clean - hilary duff
8. CRY - FAITH HILL
9. everybodys fool - evanescence
10. fergalicious - fergie
11. fighter - christina aguilera
12. foundations - kate nash
13. girl next door - saving jane
14. hear me - kelly clarkson
15. heartbreaker - pat benatar
16. hit me with your best shot - pat benatar
17. independent women pt. 1 - destinys child
18. invincible - pat benatar
19. irreplaceable - beyonce
20. just like a pill - p!nk
21. love is a battlefield - pat benatar
22. merry happy - kate nash
23. miss independent - kelly clarkson
24. mouthwash - kate nash
25. my happy ending - avril lavigne
26. the nicest thing - kate nash
27. no more (baby im a do right) - 3LW
28. nobody's fool - avril lavigne
29. objection(tango) - shakira
30. respect - aretha franklin
31. since U been gone - kelly clarkson
32. smile - lily allen
33. stronger - britney spears
34. survivor - destinys child
35. thats what you get - paramore
36. too little too late - jojo
37. too much to ask - avril lavigne
38. torn - natalie imbruglia
39. u + ur hand - p!nk
40. unbreakable - fireflight
41. you oughta know - alanis morissette
42. 4 in the morning - gwen stefani
43. you learn - alanis morissette
44. hollaback girl - gwen stefani
45. beautiful - christina aguilera
46. fallen - sarah mclachlan


thats my playlist.


fuck the male population.