this is where we collide.
you told me you love me. =] (is that the way i think it might be?)
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
rargh.
people look too deeply into things.
we should all be like ryan vincent.
go with the flow.
dont give a fuck.
we'll be okay.
Monday, May 26, 2008
ive been dying to tell you anything
you wanna hear--> cuz thats just who i am this week
so basically i fought with my mom for 2 and half weeks straight up until we went to pennsylvania, and then she took a break from being herself i guess while we were there (i did not want to be btw, they kidnapped me) and now we're back and havent fought yet. im guessing that wont last long though.
so me and john write a tonnn of notes to each other so on thursday (well i guess it was wednesday night but still) he got a blank notebook for us to use instead and its an awesometastic idea...somehow we managed to fill like 12 pages on thursday, and then he had it over the weekend so nowww i am wondering just how much is written in it cuz i know i was bored as fuck and wrote like 9 pages of absolute nonsense that im just going to stick in the notebook and give to him. he knows all this already, because he calls me a lot and i told him, but still. (he knows most of the stuff i wrote too, but i dont really care.) im starting to wonder whats going on here because hes been acting a little different..but in a good way. idk if hes over katy or what because he doesnt talk about her anymore and he says some stuff that makes me wonder whats going on with us. i guess itll reveal itself in time or whatever, though.
i think its sweet that you said you were depressed on friday because i wasnt in school. it made me feel wanted.
(dontcha like how i switched from talking about someone to talking to them? im too lazy to change the first part though so deal with it.)
my headache from thursday is still here. shoot me.
andrea i really want to use that line you came up with in a poem. now i just need a moment of emotion and itll all come together. but i cant write poetry unless im feeling a really strong emotion or having a lightining (why the fuck cant i spell lightening...lightning...that looks right) bolt of inspiration so..itll take a while i suppose.
peace.
so basically i fought with my mom for 2 and half weeks straight up until we went to pennsylvania, and then she took a break from being herself i guess while we were there (i did not want to be btw, they kidnapped me) and now we're back and havent fought yet. im guessing that wont last long though.
so me and john write a tonnn of notes to each other so on thursday (well i guess it was wednesday night but still) he got a blank notebook for us to use instead and its an awesometastic idea...somehow we managed to fill like 12 pages on thursday, and then he had it over the weekend so nowww i am wondering just how much is written in it cuz i know i was bored as fuck and wrote like 9 pages of absolute nonsense that im just going to stick in the notebook and give to him. he knows all this already, because he calls me a lot and i told him, but still. (he knows most of the stuff i wrote too, but i dont really care.) im starting to wonder whats going on here because hes been acting a little different..but in a good way. idk if hes over katy or what because he doesnt talk about her anymore and he says some stuff that makes me wonder whats going on with us. i guess itll reveal itself in time or whatever, though.
i think its sweet that you said you were depressed on friday because i wasnt in school. it made me feel wanted.
(dontcha like how i switched from talking about someone to talking to them? im too lazy to change the first part though so deal with it.)
my headache from thursday is still here. shoot me.
andrea i really want to use that line you came up with in a poem. now i just need a moment of emotion and itll all come together. but i cant write poetry unless im feeling a really strong emotion or having a lightining (why the fuck cant i spell lightening...lightning...that looks right) bolt of inspiration so..itll take a while i suppose.
peace.
Friday, May 16, 2008
the things that matter about me, continued.
read the last post before this one. or read them both. whatever.
11. if i dont feel like talking to someone or im in a bitchy mood and theyre talking to me, ill stare right past them (like im looking behind them as if im looking for someone more worthwhile or theyre unimportant and im looking right through them.)
12. im secure about a lot, but i am very insecure about all but my very closest friends. i constantly worry that they dont want me there or theyre only acting like they like me, or they talk about me behind my back. ditto when i have a crush. actually, its worse when i like them because i care more what they think, so i try way too hard to act not irritating, and end up acting very unnatturally. sometimes its okay though.
13. i dont like what i look like when my hair is up, unless some is down or in my face. i need my side bangs to feel pretty. i also tend not to like my appearance without at least the minimal amount of eyeliner.
14. i love being in pools so much, but i hate lakes and refuse to go underwater in them.
15. i fear i am too apathetic about things; if its not happening to me, i am unaffected. i think i dont know how to love because i treat those i claim to love just as badly at times as everyone else. i do stop to talk to old people in my neighborhood when they say hello, however. but im very selfish.
16. i cannot ever admit i am wrong. if i am, i will try to cover it up because i am much too prideful to let someone else be right and win. (this goes along with #6 on my last post.)
17. i love getting hit on. to the point of sluttiness, kind of. ill pretend to be mad at guys when they touch my ass or whatever because i know im supposed to be offended or feel violated, but really im not. im so used to being viewed as not hot that its incredibly flattering.
18. one of the many things i cannot stand about people (one of my hugest pet peeves) is when people skip washing their hair. oily (even semi-oily) hair is so disgusting.
19. guys make much, much better friends.
20. i tend to hold long, pointless grudges because its easier than resolving the actual incident and forgiving the person. its easier than coming in contact with and having to interact with the person. plus i love confrontation, its so much fun. im kind of a confrontation addict. draaama.
21. i cant stand being alone for long periods of time, but i also cant stand being in the company of...well, lets just say that many more people exist that i dont like being around than really should.
11. if i dont feel like talking to someone or im in a bitchy mood and theyre talking to me, ill stare right past them (like im looking behind them as if im looking for someone more worthwhile or theyre unimportant and im looking right through them.)
12. im secure about a lot, but i am very insecure about all but my very closest friends. i constantly worry that they dont want me there or theyre only acting like they like me, or they talk about me behind my back. ditto when i have a crush. actually, its worse when i like them because i care more what they think, so i try way too hard to act not irritating, and end up acting very unnatturally. sometimes its okay though.
13. i dont like what i look like when my hair is up, unless some is down or in my face. i need my side bangs to feel pretty. i also tend not to like my appearance without at least the minimal amount of eyeliner.
14. i love being in pools so much, but i hate lakes and refuse to go underwater in them.
15. i fear i am too apathetic about things; if its not happening to me, i am unaffected. i think i dont know how to love because i treat those i claim to love just as badly at times as everyone else. i do stop to talk to old people in my neighborhood when they say hello, however. but im very selfish.
16. i cannot ever admit i am wrong. if i am, i will try to cover it up because i am much too prideful to let someone else be right and win. (this goes along with #6 on my last post.)
17. i love getting hit on. to the point of sluttiness, kind of. ill pretend to be mad at guys when they touch my ass or whatever because i know im supposed to be offended or feel violated, but really im not. im so used to being viewed as not hot that its incredibly flattering.
18. one of the many things i cannot stand about people (one of my hugest pet peeves) is when people skip washing their hair. oily (even semi-oily) hair is so disgusting.
19. guys make much, much better friends.
20. i tend to hold long, pointless grudges because its easier than resolving the actual incident and forgiving the person. its easier than coming in contact with and having to interact with the person. plus i love confrontation, its so much fun. im kind of a confrontation addict. draaama.
21. i cant stand being alone for long periods of time, but i also cant stand being in the company of...well, lets just say that many more people exist that i dont like being around than really should.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Let me in from the rain, don't you let me go again
let the water run down my face
okay natalie taylor. i dont know if you read my blog but i will oblige you and...idk, follow through with your request.
10 things about me
1. im such a hypocrite. i dont bother concerning myself with the fact that i criticize other people when i do the same thing. i ignore the fact that i will get mad at people for doing things that i myself do. also, my most frequent line is "hah i am such a hypocrite." i often tell people they shouldn't do things, then turn around and do something along the same lines. i laugh at peoples' mistakes and make the same ones. i get upset when people don't do things, but i am just as apathetic/lazy.
2. i'm kind of a bitch. ill be 'mad' at people just to avoid talking to them. take tom, for example. i was walking down the hall today with john and brian and we pass tom. john and brian and tom all say hi. i say absolutely nothing, don't even look at him. i was so mean to him towards the end of our relationship, even though he was giving me all his time and all his 'love' (dont know how true that was, look how fast he bounced back), and i just treated him like shit. then i dumped him and im acting like he dumped me. i know i dont regret it at all, i didnt like him anymore, i just dont feel like talking to him. im mean to people who dont do anything to me, whenever i just dont want to talk to them. i make fun of people who ive gotten over fights with behind their backs at times...not that much though, and not my close friends. im a bitch but not to the people who matter to me (of whom consist about 10 people, tops.)
3. i get very apathetic when i get randomly depressed. i can lay on my bed for hours at a time doing nothing. i dont care when i insult people at these times. i will insult anyone and everyone on accident, simply by paying them no attention when deserved, not caring about their problems, etc. this especially happens during my period. pms makes me horrid.
4. even though i do the above, i will never, ever ignore my cell phone. i cannot do it. ive tried. i carry it into the bathroom when i take a shower, for heavens sake. this stems from my fear of being secluded. i am afraid of people trying to contact me and not being able to. i cannot stand not talking to my friends, because when i have no contact with them i get anxious.
5. i love my music. i claim not to like rap but i love eminem. i love alternative and rock. i break headphones often because my ipod is attached to my body and its loud. 24/7. if i did not have it i probably would have committed suicide by now.
6. i cannot stand people walking all over me. if someone takes advantage of me or makes a fool out of me, i will not get over it for AGES. i cant stand feeling inferior. i have such a superiority complex sometimes. i will go into full bitch mode just to make you feel bad if you try to own me.
7. i am the least photogenic person you will ever meet.
8. i wish i was a mermaid. like, a disney mermaid. i wanted to be ariel from the age of like..whenever that movie came out till i was old enough to realize it wasnt going to happen. (theres a part of me that is still hopeful however)
9. i am terrified of all insects and insect-like creatures (aka spiders) except for butterflies. my biggest fear is bugs crawling all over my body. sometimes i have nightmares where the room im in is covered in bugs. *shudders*
10. i act high enough on my own. i dont need drugs. nicotine disgusts me. i dont mind alcohol so much, but i hate how people act when theyre high on something. it scares me so badly.
i could add more but this is 10. maybe ill continue later.
okay natalie taylor. i dont know if you read my blog but i will oblige you and...idk, follow through with your request.
10 things about me
1. im such a hypocrite. i dont bother concerning myself with the fact that i criticize other people when i do the same thing. i ignore the fact that i will get mad at people for doing things that i myself do. also, my most frequent line is "hah i am such a hypocrite." i often tell people they shouldn't do things, then turn around and do something along the same lines. i laugh at peoples' mistakes and make the same ones. i get upset when people don't do things, but i am just as apathetic/lazy.
2. i'm kind of a bitch. ill be 'mad' at people just to avoid talking to them. take tom, for example. i was walking down the hall today with john and brian and we pass tom. john and brian and tom all say hi. i say absolutely nothing, don't even look at him. i was so mean to him towards the end of our relationship, even though he was giving me all his time and all his 'love' (dont know how true that was, look how fast he bounced back), and i just treated him like shit. then i dumped him and im acting like he dumped me. i know i dont regret it at all, i didnt like him anymore, i just dont feel like talking to him. im mean to people who dont do anything to me, whenever i just dont want to talk to them. i make fun of people who ive gotten over fights with behind their backs at times...not that much though, and not my close friends. im a bitch but not to the people who matter to me (of whom consist about 10 people, tops.)
3. i get very apathetic when i get randomly depressed. i can lay on my bed for hours at a time doing nothing. i dont care when i insult people at these times. i will insult anyone and everyone on accident, simply by paying them no attention when deserved, not caring about their problems, etc. this especially happens during my period. pms makes me horrid.
4. even though i do the above, i will never, ever ignore my cell phone. i cannot do it. ive tried. i carry it into the bathroom when i take a shower, for heavens sake. this stems from my fear of being secluded. i am afraid of people trying to contact me and not being able to. i cannot stand not talking to my friends, because when i have no contact with them i get anxious.
5. i love my music. i claim not to like rap but i love eminem. i love alternative and rock. i break headphones often because my ipod is attached to my body and its loud. 24/7. if i did not have it i probably would have committed suicide by now.
6. i cannot stand people walking all over me. if someone takes advantage of me or makes a fool out of me, i will not get over it for AGES. i cant stand feeling inferior. i have such a superiority complex sometimes. i will go into full bitch mode just to make you feel bad if you try to own me.
7. i am the least photogenic person you will ever meet.
8. i wish i was a mermaid. like, a disney mermaid. i wanted to be ariel from the age of like..whenever that movie came out till i was old enough to realize it wasnt going to happen. (theres a part of me that is still hopeful however)
9. i am terrified of all insects and insect-like creatures (aka spiders) except for butterflies. my biggest fear is bugs crawling all over my body. sometimes i have nightmares where the room im in is covered in bugs. *shudders*
10. i act high enough on my own. i dont need drugs. nicotine disgusts me. i dont mind alcohol so much, but i hate how people act when theyre high on something. it scares me so badly.
i could add more but this is 10. maybe ill continue later.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
There's a place in the dark where the animals go
You can take off your skin in the cannibal glow
okay. so i told y'all that i want to do this cuz it needs to be done. i felt left out. haa. sort of. anyways. here goes.
ill start with andrea cuz i got the idea from her.
andrea - i love you to death, we have the most amazing times like EVER. ive laughed more around you because of you than almost anyone else i know. but then you can also be serious, and youre good at letting me know when im being ridiculous, no, RIDONKULOUS (sp?) and i need to cut it out. because i get way too overdramatic and let myself get worked up about things when i really shouldnt. you're good for venting at times, and good for helping me get through my problems. we got so much in common (we even have a lot of the same ridiculously irrational fears and things like that...and apparantly you know when im on my period cuz its at like, the same time as yours.) on the negative side though, i think you get overdramatic sometimes as well. you let things seem worse than they actually are and get all superdepressed about it. sometimes you just need to take a step back and look at it from another angle--thats what i been trying to do lately. i really dont like some of your...habits, and you know that, so i wont continue harrassing you about it. its your life, do whatever. but please dont get any more into it. believe me, its not worth it.
alexandra - sometimes you act kind of like a little kid, but youre always so fucking sympathetic and shit whenever i complain. idk. you never get openly annoyed at me when i vent and vent and vent and get too overdramatic, unlike just about every other girl i routinely talk to. sometimes you need to chill, though, and take a step back and realize you're making too big a deal out of things, and that you really dont need to yell, im standing right there.
katie - i feel like i dont really know you at times anymore, but its cool how we can randomly just hang out and its like we see each other 25/7 (no not a typo) like we used to. i think that shows that even with our differences, and different friends, and different a lot of stuff, we're still close. sometimes i want to shove u into a wall for things you say, but thats ok cuz it works the other way around too. youve gotten better about not being annoyingly stubborn and one-sided to the point of insanity when you take a stand on something, which is for the good of all of us.
natalie - sometimes i wonder just what the fuck were you thinking. but youre good to me. =]
dan - okay youre my friend and i love you but STOP IT WITH THE TOUCHING I AM NOT YOUR GF NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOUD LIKE THIS TO HAPPEN.
anthony - we figured out on that 2 1/2 hours on the phone last night that we have so much in common its not even funny. i have nothing bad to say about your personality, really. best friend forever!
john - youre my best friend right now, really. im not sure how this happened, but you're so good at helping me through my problems with my mom. im so eternally grateful to you. you have the same problem as andrea when you make such a huge deal out of everything and talk about suicide, but seeing as youve never tried to go through with anything and you say it in a playful manner im not worried about it at the moment. you really do have problems, you have excuses, just dont do anything to end em (you know what i mean), okay? wild crazy sex on sunday!!! sometimes i wonder if ryan vincent is right. ive talked to you on the phone so much lately. stop getting yourself grounded and get your ass over here.
tam - okay. so we're friends, but sometimes you're a bitch. there's no other way to put it. at times, i want to beat you to death with a stick. you talk about how much you hate the way girls act, but you fail to realize you do the exact same thing. you are the typical bitchy teenage girl. live with it. sometimes you get yourself involved in things that really do not concern you, like that one time you bitched me out about tom, and its invasive and not your place and you don't do it in a decent way. times like that make it justifiable for us all to kill you. you like to deny that you say things when it's convinient (usually about guys, saying you do or do not like them), and you get really anal and hypocritical. you always give people unwanted advice and try to make them feel bad when they dont want it or disagree. you dont know everything, so please stop acting like youre the expert on everything. when you're not doing any of this, though, you can be normal. i think you need friend lessons sometimes, though.
allison - i dont get you. sometimes i wonder why we havent killed you yet. really, you are a hypocritical bitch. but sometimes you're okay. you need friend lessons too.
ryan - you. are. the. best.
i could say more about more, but ill leave it at this for now.
okay. so i told y'all that i want to do this cuz it needs to be done. i felt left out. haa. sort of. anyways. here goes.
ill start with andrea cuz i got the idea from her.
andrea - i love you to death, we have the most amazing times like EVER. ive laughed more around you because of you than almost anyone else i know. but then you can also be serious, and youre good at letting me know when im being ridiculous, no, RIDONKULOUS (sp?) and i need to cut it out. because i get way too overdramatic and let myself get worked up about things when i really shouldnt. you're good for venting at times, and good for helping me get through my problems. we got so much in common (we even have a lot of the same ridiculously irrational fears and things like that...and apparantly you know when im on my period cuz its at like, the same time as yours.) on the negative side though, i think you get overdramatic sometimes as well. you let things seem worse than they actually are and get all superdepressed about it. sometimes you just need to take a step back and look at it from another angle--thats what i been trying to do lately. i really dont like some of your...habits, and you know that, so i wont continue harrassing you about it. its your life, do whatever. but please dont get any more into it. believe me, its not worth it.
alexandra - sometimes you act kind of like a little kid, but youre always so fucking sympathetic and shit whenever i complain. idk. you never get openly annoyed at me when i vent and vent and vent and get too overdramatic, unlike just about every other girl i routinely talk to. sometimes you need to chill, though, and take a step back and realize you're making too big a deal out of things, and that you really dont need to yell, im standing right there.
katie - i feel like i dont really know you at times anymore, but its cool how we can randomly just hang out and its like we see each other 25/7 (no not a typo) like we used to. i think that shows that even with our differences, and different friends, and different a lot of stuff, we're still close. sometimes i want to shove u into a wall for things you say, but thats ok cuz it works the other way around too. youve gotten better about not being annoyingly stubborn and one-sided to the point of insanity when you take a stand on something, which is for the good of all of us.
natalie - sometimes i wonder just what the fuck were you thinking. but youre good to me. =]
dan - okay youre my friend and i love you but STOP IT WITH THE TOUCHING I AM NOT YOUR GF NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOUD LIKE THIS TO HAPPEN.
anthony - we figured out on that 2 1/2 hours on the phone last night that we have so much in common its not even funny. i have nothing bad to say about your personality, really. best friend forever!
john - youre my best friend right now, really. im not sure how this happened, but you're so good at helping me through my problems with my mom. im so eternally grateful to you. you have the same problem as andrea when you make such a huge deal out of everything and talk about suicide, but seeing as youve never tried to go through with anything and you say it in a playful manner im not worried about it at the moment. you really do have problems, you have excuses, just dont do anything to end em (you know what i mean), okay? wild crazy sex on sunday!!! sometimes i wonder if ryan vincent is right. ive talked to you on the phone so much lately. stop getting yourself grounded and get your ass over here.
tam - okay. so we're friends, but sometimes you're a bitch. there's no other way to put it. at times, i want to beat you to death with a stick. you talk about how much you hate the way girls act, but you fail to realize you do the exact same thing. you are the typical bitchy teenage girl. live with it. sometimes you get yourself involved in things that really do not concern you, like that one time you bitched me out about tom, and its invasive and not your place and you don't do it in a decent way. times like that make it justifiable for us all to kill you. you like to deny that you say things when it's convinient (usually about guys, saying you do or do not like them), and you get really anal and hypocritical. you always give people unwanted advice and try to make them feel bad when they dont want it or disagree. you dont know everything, so please stop acting like youre the expert on everything. when you're not doing any of this, though, you can be normal. i think you need friend lessons sometimes, though.
allison - i dont get you. sometimes i wonder why we havent killed you yet. really, you are a hypocritical bitch. but sometimes you're okay. you need friend lessons too.
ryan - you. are. the. best.
i could say more about more, but ill leave it at this for now.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
i feel like im copying you but
andrea what u and chelsea did was a really really good idea and i kind of want to do that but i dont want to copy yall cuz thats lameballs. yes i just said lameballs.
so if u dont mind let me know and i shall
cuz i got stuffs on my mind.
peace.
so if u dont mind let me know and i shall
cuz i got stuffs on my mind.
peace.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
It's done and there's no way to take it back
so yeah i broke up with him. you all know the story. im glad i did it, it needed to be done.
itd be nice if he didnt trash me though. whatever. aijdans getting his jacket back. cassie can have the other one. if he ever wants his stuff back it wont be through me. he doesnt deserve it. even though i can see WHY hes doing that, i know him. he'll take it farther. if any of my secrets get out (although im not really sure how many he knows, im sure theres some that he does), youll understand why i am angry with him...its ok though. i dont actually care all that much, i just enjoy being horrid.
john started calling me every day even when i was still going out with tom. now that weve broke up, i was on the phone with him like all day yesterday, and was woken up by him calling me this morning. im wondering. 8 days (were both excited. X]]])
if u know what that means, its because ive told you. yes, my birthday is in 8 days. thats only part of it. haaaaaaaa this is great. moving on. i have not much to say so when i do, I SHALL RETURN.
itd be nice if he didnt trash me though. whatever. aijdans getting his jacket back. cassie can have the other one. if he ever wants his stuff back it wont be through me. he doesnt deserve it. even though i can see WHY hes doing that, i know him. he'll take it farther. if any of my secrets get out (although im not really sure how many he knows, im sure theres some that he does), youll understand why i am angry with him...its ok though. i dont actually care all that much, i just enjoy being horrid.
john started calling me every day even when i was still going out with tom. now that weve broke up, i was on the phone with him like all day yesterday, and was woken up by him calling me this morning. im wondering. 8 days (were both excited. X]]])
if u know what that means, its because ive told you. yes, my birthday is in 8 days. thats only part of it. haaaaaaaa this is great. moving on. i have not much to say so when i do, I SHALL RETURN.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
im all out of faith;
this is how i feel; im cold and im ashamed lying naked on the floor
way to forget you were mad at me (yes, sarcasm. its me, dont tell me its unexpected.). the only reason im talking to you again instead of just ignoring you forever is because i decided i didnt care enough to hold a grudge. dont think i forgave you. completely. i did a little bit because you're you and you probably can't help it. telling alex that STUFF, though...that could have been helped. that was so damn low of you. you didnt have to do that to get back at me for anything. it wasnt your right to tell her anything, especially when i didnt want to tell YOU in the first place. and for telling her, dont be surprised when i dont tell you anything anymore. and im serious. you are CUT OFF.
tri high was interesting. me and sarah (magoon) talked about how wed never been followed by cops before as we walked along being followed by cops. fuck dakota and tom for coming to me and ryan and sarah and making the cops think we did something too. grarrgghh. me and sarah are becoming friends, its kind of cool. especially since we live near each other. other than the cop thing i guess it was fine, but i sort of lost it when katie and tom were fighting. i wasnt mad with katie really, just a little irritated at not keeping her dislike in, but i felt most of my anger directed at tom, because he didnt have to be annoying back. i dont know. i think its easy for me to get annoyed at him because i already had been before. i think were good now because im not in such a bitchy mood as i had been all week anymore, and i havent talked to him since last night really so i guess i got a bit of a break, but yeah. sometimes i think its easier to love him from a distance, because up close i get too easily pissed off. i havent felt like making out lately, and i think its hurting his feelings, but its not because of him i just havent felt like kissing. its not that i havent felt like kissing tom, its that i havent felt like kissing, period. =\. but i think its just hormones. i HOPE its just hormones. if it wasnt id be worried.
andreas list of fears made me think. i agree with a lot of them. i have mostly rational fears myself, but im an irrational person so i have many irrational fears. i fear time--> time makes emotions fade, makes songs that can make me cry get old and lose their power. time can make me fall out of love, make me grow out of my friends, change my personality. i guess what it gets down to is change. change is what im afraid of. i especially agree with andrea on one thing; im afraid of waking up in the morning and not loving him any more. because thats what happens with crushes; what is so different about love? i just hope it doesnt happen. i hope that if it does, it happens gradually. mutually. i dont want to ever have to do that. it would be horrid. on both parts. scarring.
am i being paranoid?
dont answer that.
you can answer me and tell me whats wrong with me though. you can tell me whats irrational about me. you can tell me how not to get annoyed at everyone especially your boyfriend every time you have pms.
or something.
<3
way to forget you were mad at me (yes, sarcasm. its me, dont tell me its unexpected.). the only reason im talking to you again instead of just ignoring you forever is because i decided i didnt care enough to hold a grudge. dont think i forgave you. completely. i did a little bit because you're you and you probably can't help it. telling alex that STUFF, though...that could have been helped. that was so damn low of you. you didnt have to do that to get back at me for anything. it wasnt your right to tell her anything, especially when i didnt want to tell YOU in the first place. and for telling her, dont be surprised when i dont tell you anything anymore. and im serious. you are CUT OFF.
tri high was interesting. me and sarah (magoon) talked about how wed never been followed by cops before as we walked along being followed by cops. fuck dakota and tom for coming to me and ryan and sarah and making the cops think we did something too. grarrgghh. me and sarah are becoming friends, its kind of cool. especially since we live near each other. other than the cop thing i guess it was fine, but i sort of lost it when katie and tom were fighting. i wasnt mad with katie really, just a little irritated at not keeping her dislike in, but i felt most of my anger directed at tom, because he didnt have to be annoying back. i dont know. i think its easy for me to get annoyed at him because i already had been before. i think were good now because im not in such a bitchy mood as i had been all week anymore, and i havent talked to him since last night really so i guess i got a bit of a break, but yeah. sometimes i think its easier to love him from a distance, because up close i get too easily pissed off. i havent felt like making out lately, and i think its hurting his feelings, but its not because of him i just havent felt like kissing. its not that i havent felt like kissing tom, its that i havent felt like kissing, period. =\. but i think its just hormones. i HOPE its just hormones. if it wasnt id be worried.
andreas list of fears made me think. i agree with a lot of them. i have mostly rational fears myself, but im an irrational person so i have many irrational fears. i fear time--> time makes emotions fade, makes songs that can make me cry get old and lose their power. time can make me fall out of love, make me grow out of my friends, change my personality. i guess what it gets down to is change. change is what im afraid of. i especially agree with andrea on one thing; im afraid of waking up in the morning and not loving him any more. because thats what happens with crushes; what is so different about love? i just hope it doesnt happen. i hope that if it does, it happens gradually. mutually. i dont want to ever have to do that. it would be horrid. on both parts. scarring.
am i being paranoid?
dont answer that.
you can answer me and tell me whats wrong with me though. you can tell me whats irrational about me. you can tell me how not to get annoyed at everyone especially your boyfriend every time you have pms.
or something.
<3
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