dont you give me pretty words
okay. just to clear the confusion (because from that fight the other day ive gathered that there is some): my decision i made upon making myself single was NOT to give up guys. that would be completely ridiculous, irrational, and unlike myself...not to mention painful. what i decided was that, since every time i become NOT single i become unhappy and complain and get sick of the guy relatively quickly, i should listen to myself for once. i dont like having a boyfriend. i do like boys. i have no problem with hanging out with guys. and flirting with guys. and going out places with guys. and doing stuff with guys.
i just cant take the comittment. so the obvious choice seems to be to not seek it out. im not going to have a boyfriend for a while, even if i find someone i do want to date, because it will just kill it. it never works out with me, mentally or physically. i am not the type whom relationships help feel secure. they stifle me and make me feel im missing something, not to mention guilty and always trying to make sure im not doing anything that can be considered hurtful or cheating. i dont want to be responsible for anyone else's unhappiness. so i wont get serious with anyone to the point where they can call me their girlfriend, and ill be fine.
there are all those dissenters who think im full of shit and wont last a month. ill show you, bitches. i think i mightttt know myself a little bit better than you do. considering, you know, i am myself and when i actually set my mind to something i am in fact capable of sticking to it. :]
on to another topic - im currently talking a lot to the most confusing person ive ever met. i think it stresses me out sometimes. i dont really want to go into that though so we'll leave it at that :]
my wii fit told me i lost five pounds since last time i used it. i think it miscalculated.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
heres why i hate msc so damn much. read my other post too.
wexlackxamity (7:18:33 PM) : next semester i drop my elective and have biology.
3 msc classes. which means my other ones will be highl y populated with msc kids.
3 msc classes. which means my other ones will be highl y populated with msc kids.
wexlackxamity (7:18:44 PM) : id much rather do advanced classes the noirmal way, i mean like everyone who was in macat is still in advanced classes even if they werent in msc. theres no difference except msc takes your electives and gives you calsses you dont want, and makes you feel embarrassed about your classes.
wexlackxamity (7:19:13 PM) : next year i have a computer class based on the one i didnt understand last year.
wexlackxamity (7:19:18 PM) : which takes up more electives.
wexlackxamity (7:19:32 PM) : and i dont have very many opportunities.
wexlackxamity (7:20:25 PM) : and the teachers always treat you like you should be proud of being in msc and have like events during the day sometimes that are like msc kids and every year we have to takea class picture. and they always assume your close friends are all in msc. because they know most of the kids are socially incompetant.
"katieeee" (7:22:39 PM) : Mmm.
wexlackxamity (7:23:05 PM) : i dont know. i just feel like id get a much more fulfilling experience without being stuck with the same kids ive been stuck with since first grade.
"katieeee" (7:26:02 PM) : Mmm.
"katieeee" (7:26:14 PM) : I don't know if you would or not.
wexlackxamity (7:26:17 PM) : esp. cause i dont like most of them
wexlackxamity (7:26:17 PM) : well
wexlackxamity (7:26:22 PM) : you meet new people, dont you
wexlackxamity (7:26:43 PM) : youre not stuck with alan mcclain and people like that 5 times a day
"katieeee" (7:29:32 PM) : No, I do meet new people.
"katieeee" (7:29:36 PM) : But I meet a lot of new people outside of class.
"katieeee" (7:29:52 PM) : In my Bio class I probably met about 5 new people
"katieeee" (7:30:05 PM) : Basically no new in APUSH or Acc. Eng.
"katieeee" (7:30:10 PM) : Some new in Alg. 2.
wexlackxamity (7:30:17 PM) : you still have the opportunity, though.
"katieeee" (7:30:24 PM) : Yeah, that is true.Y
"katieeee" (7:30:29 PM) : You have hte opportunity too though.I
"katieeee" (7:30:37 PM) : I mean, do you know new people?
"katieeee" (7:30:46 PM) : Your dating one.
wexlackxamity (7:31:01 PM) : yeah im not saying i never meet anyone new . i met mike through the one class ive had yet in high school that wasnt smart people.
wexlackxamity (7:31:07 PM) : im just saying i meet a lot less than i would
"katieeee" (7:31:16 PM) : I don't know. I suppose.
"katieeee" (7:31:21 PM) : I don't feel like I know more peopel than you.
wexlackxamity (7:31:42 PM) : the ones i do know i dont have an opportunity to become friends with usually unless we have friends in common =\
"katieeee" (7:31:57 PM) : Yeah, that is true.
"katieeee" (7:32:04 PM) : And you are stuck wiht the same kids all day.
wexlackxamity (7:32:04 PM) : yeah
wexlackxamity (7:32:06 PM) : thats what i mena
wexlackxamity (7:32:06 PM) : like
wexlackxamity (7:32:10 PM) : if i had other classes
wexlackxamity (7:32:19 PM) : i dont expect to meet an entire class of new friends or anyuthing
wexlackxamity (7:32:26 PM) : but i know that i wouldnt know every single kid in the c lass
wexlackxamity (7:32:37 PM) : and i wouldnt be annoyed by all but like 4 people in that class.
wexlackxamity (7:33:13 PM) : and i would have more elective opportunities for sure
wexlackxamity (7:33:19 PM) : which means id be with normal stupid kids X]
wexlackxamity (7:33:25 PM) : who i thoroughly enjoy
wexlackxamity (7:33:43 PM) : like my history class last year
wexlackxamity (7:33:49 PM) : that i enkjoyed
wexlackxamity (7:34:18 PM) : itd be wonderful if i didnt have to be in a challenging class plus know everyone in it all day. it gets so boring
wexlackxamity (7:34:59 PM) : my msc classes (computers last year, bio next semester, computers next year) take the place of like 6 other classes i could take
wexlackxamity (7:35:08 PM) : all of which would be electives
wexlackxamity (7:35:21 PM) : because im taking ap bio next year
wexlackxamity (7:35:28 PM) : so thats covered.
"tam" (7:58:36 PM) : its a psycologcal aspect, block it out, dont worry about them and completely disregard them, take a calmer, moire relaed, simple view of life
wexlackxamity (7:58:49 PM) : you are not helping at all. what youre saying is not what im worried aboutl.
"tam" (7:59:23 PM) : then what are u worried about?
"tam" (8:00:42 PM) : i mean ur not gonna be in classes with cool older ppl, ur gonna be in classes with anoying freshman and sophomores and mayeb a couple seniors, who u went to middle school with
wexlackxamity (8:03:36 PM) : k. cassies i nthe same classes as us. instead of being with annoying people who never shut the fuck up and youve known for years and years and had to be around for that long, she is with normal people that she meets and shes able to befriend people. even if she doesnt meet new people all thetiem, she has the OPPORTUNITY to. same with katie, and allison and allison, and all these other poeple. they dont know who they are going to be around for 4 years straight. if i wasnt in msc classes, id have more electives and possibly have english and apush with less msc kids who are relatively normal. in my electives would be normal sophomores and id have an opportunity to be with people i talk to but dont know too well because i never had a class with. i am perfectly aware that when i have ap calc its not going to be cool older people. never did i SAY i would be. i said i will be able to take more classes i want to take and put a focus on what i would like to put a focus on, while still taking the same advanced classes. my schedule wouldnt be so structured and i wouldnt have the same kids in 5 classes. and i wouldnt have to take french over the summer. in msc we have so few opportunitesi. if i had wanted to do a career center thing, too bad. no room. i cant take psych or gen psych or mythology or humanities or any art classes because they dont fit into my schedule because its so science and coputer oriented. and its ridiculous.
wexlackxamity (8:04:16 PM) : take health over the summer*
welcome to our world, we are the wasted youth
and we are the future, too.
so i havent had too much to say lately. or i havent had the words to say what i want. i dont know.
things with mike have been good lately. we had another period where he annoyed the shit out of me and i was so confused, but then at the end of last week i got better again and now we are good once again. the rollercoaster of my relationship is fully functioning, i suppose.
lately ive started talking to lucas a lot. this is weird for me...i didnt like him very much when i met him in eighth grade, didnt talk to him last year. but hes different now and i like talking to him. we talk on facebook or through texting. i dont know. we talk about music and scrubs versus house and all my problems.
eric stromberg isnt a douche anymore. wtf is up with that.
so that one person likes me again...still. its odd, but not really unexpected. i could kind of guess that would happen. he knows i know, and its a little odd. he says it hurts whenever he sees me with mike, but he knows that its his fault things turned out that way. he apologizes so often and stuff and i forgave him and said we can be friends because i know that thats all that will happen with it, and i long got over it. i harbor no hard feelings towards him. but its a little awkward being close with him and going out with mike at the same time.
i got into a giaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant fight with madre last night. it was about my freedom (or lack of it) and how she both wont buy me a car and insurance, and how i cant drive with teenagers. i think that leaves me a little bit stuck. she was like "i dont care, you arent driving with your friends. ill drop you off places." sorry, mom, i am not going to be 17 and driven around everywhere by my mom. anyways. when it comes to buying me things (ANYTHING), she always uses the "you are going to be on your own soon and need to learn to be responsible with money and be able to fend for yourself" excuse. however, whenever that excuse will benefit ME, its irrelevant and not the philosophy she lives by. shes afraid of me having too much freedom and getting everything i want in live, and so she makes stupid rules for what i can and cant do. she doesnt trust me at all with anything. not with mike, not with my friends, not to be able to care for myself. and i dont do anything to prove to her that i cant make my own decisions. she was claiming that i am irresponsible. but she cant give me examples. the only one she could come up with was that i never help out around the house without being begged to. just 3 days ago i went downstairs and did laundry without being asked. for the next 2 days she BITCHED at me about how i did it wrong and i put too much in and i shouldnt have touched anyone elses stuff. OHkay. PLEASE explain to me what the FUCK i was expected to do to hang out around the house if shes just going to yell at me for every little inconsequential thing that wasnt done her way. ive never done anything to show to her that i am irresponsible and will go get myself into trouble as soon as she lets go a little bit. she was telling me i have no money saved up for a car or anything which proves that i dont plan into the future. what she doesnt know is that as soon as tam gets her license, we were planning on going to every place we could think of and getting applications to save money for ourselves. jobs not for spending, but for saving. we were waiting till then so that we have a way to GET to said jobs. she told me that i am irresponsible with my babysitting money. heres the problem with that: i make 7 dollars an hour and babysit like once every week, usually less. i dont get an allowance. am i supposed to have NO money for myself? she was telling me other kids do work around the house just to be helpful. yeah, mom, that plus the fact that THEY GET PAID AT THE END OF THE WEEK. THEYRE NO BETTER THAN I AM. i think that if she is going to tell me all this "you need to be responsible with your money and learn to fend for yourself" stuff, she needs to stick to it. she cant use it in her favor when its convinient. she either lets me learn for myself and live like a normal kid, or she doesnt. and buys me a car and insurance like a normal parent who has the ability to do so. she doesnt get that im getting older, i am going to be out of here in two years, and she needs to let me learn how to deal with stuff by myself. one second shes telling me shes not going to hold my hand through life, and then when i want to do something that maybe involves a small risk or she doesnt want me doing, it becomes a case of "my house, my rules." when is she going to let me become independant if she is going to continue to insist on not letting me drive with teenagers (which is completely ridiculous, theyre my FRIENDS and im not an idiot. if theyre doing something wrong or dangerous with their driving, ill speak up. its not like im going to sit there and let myself get killed.) and not letting me go places often without a fight? shes always telling me "im not going to let you go out and do whatever you want, whenever you want." who is she to regulate my life? 'k, you can do this now, and this then, but you cant do anything in between. otherwise you might get the idea into your head that i want you to be happy.'
what the fuck.
i cant wait till i get out of here. shes frickin ridiculous. trust that you raised me right and let me make the distinction between right and wrong myself already.
so i havent had too much to say lately. or i havent had the words to say what i want. i dont know.
things with mike have been good lately. we had another period where he annoyed the shit out of me and i was so confused, but then at the end of last week i got better again and now we are good once again. the rollercoaster of my relationship is fully functioning, i suppose.
lately ive started talking to lucas a lot. this is weird for me...i didnt like him very much when i met him in eighth grade, didnt talk to him last year. but hes different now and i like talking to him. we talk on facebook or through texting. i dont know. we talk about music and scrubs versus house and all my problems.
eric stromberg isnt a douche anymore. wtf is up with that.
so that one person likes me again...still. its odd, but not really unexpected. i could kind of guess that would happen. he knows i know, and its a little odd. he says it hurts whenever he sees me with mike, but he knows that its his fault things turned out that way. he apologizes so often and stuff and i forgave him and said we can be friends because i know that thats all that will happen with it, and i long got over it. i harbor no hard feelings towards him. but its a little awkward being close with him and going out with mike at the same time.
i got into a giaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant fight with madre last night. it was about my freedom (or lack of it) and how she both wont buy me a car and insurance, and how i cant drive with teenagers. i think that leaves me a little bit stuck. she was like "i dont care, you arent driving with your friends. ill drop you off places." sorry, mom, i am not going to be 17 and driven around everywhere by my mom. anyways. when it comes to buying me things (ANYTHING), she always uses the "you are going to be on your own soon and need to learn to be responsible with money and be able to fend for yourself" excuse. however, whenever that excuse will benefit ME, its irrelevant and not the philosophy she lives by. shes afraid of me having too much freedom and getting everything i want in live, and so she makes stupid rules for what i can and cant do. she doesnt trust me at all with anything. not with mike, not with my friends, not to be able to care for myself. and i dont do anything to prove to her that i cant make my own decisions. she was claiming that i am irresponsible. but she cant give me examples. the only one she could come up with was that i never help out around the house without being begged to. just 3 days ago i went downstairs and did laundry without being asked. for the next 2 days she BITCHED at me about how i did it wrong and i put too much in and i shouldnt have touched anyone elses stuff. OHkay. PLEASE explain to me what the FUCK i was expected to do to hang out around the house if shes just going to yell at me for every little inconsequential thing that wasnt done her way. ive never done anything to show to her that i am irresponsible and will go get myself into trouble as soon as she lets go a little bit. she was telling me i have no money saved up for a car or anything which proves that i dont plan into the future. what she doesnt know is that as soon as tam gets her license, we were planning on going to every place we could think of and getting applications to save money for ourselves. jobs not for spending, but for saving. we were waiting till then so that we have a way to GET to said jobs. she told me that i am irresponsible with my babysitting money. heres the problem with that: i make 7 dollars an hour and babysit like once every week, usually less. i dont get an allowance. am i supposed to have NO money for myself? she was telling me other kids do work around the house just to be helpful. yeah, mom, that plus the fact that THEY GET PAID AT THE END OF THE WEEK. THEYRE NO BETTER THAN I AM. i think that if she is going to tell me all this "you need to be responsible with your money and learn to fend for yourself" stuff, she needs to stick to it. she cant use it in her favor when its convinient. she either lets me learn for myself and live like a normal kid, or she doesnt. and buys me a car and insurance like a normal parent who has the ability to do so. she doesnt get that im getting older, i am going to be out of here in two years, and she needs to let me learn how to deal with stuff by myself. one second shes telling me shes not going to hold my hand through life, and then when i want to do something that maybe involves a small risk or she doesnt want me doing, it becomes a case of "my house, my rules." when is she going to let me become independant if she is going to continue to insist on not letting me drive with teenagers (which is completely ridiculous, theyre my FRIENDS and im not an idiot. if theyre doing something wrong or dangerous with their driving, ill speak up. its not like im going to sit there and let myself get killed.) and not letting me go places often without a fight? shes always telling me "im not going to let you go out and do whatever you want, whenever you want." who is she to regulate my life? 'k, you can do this now, and this then, but you cant do anything in between. otherwise you might get the idea into your head that i want you to be happy.'
what the fuck.
i cant wait till i get out of here. shes frickin ridiculous. trust that you raised me right and let me make the distinction between right and wrong myself already.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
don't be alarmed if i fall head over feet
don't be surprised if i love you for all that you are
it's weird, but it's as if my conflicting feelings about it all through the second month never happened. i've fallen for him all over again, it feels just like it did at first. i think i remembered how to act around him and i stopped freaking about being tied down. at the mall i didn't even consider looking for hot guys because i didn't even care. i was perfectly content with just him.
i suddenly want to spend all my time with him all over again. i don't want space anymore, i want to be with him all the time. it's like a crush on a new guy....only he's not a new guy. is it always like this? do you always go through a rough patch and then if you make it through, it's like it was before when everything was great? because if it is, i'm sure i'll be fine. i know at least if it happens once more, i'll be ready and i'll be okay because i know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.
it's an awesome feeling. i'm flying.
it's weird, but it's as if my conflicting feelings about it all through the second month never happened. i've fallen for him all over again, it feels just like it did at first. i think i remembered how to act around him and i stopped freaking about being tied down. at the mall i didn't even consider looking for hot guys because i didn't even care. i was perfectly content with just him.
i suddenly want to spend all my time with him all over again. i don't want space anymore, i want to be with him all the time. it's like a crush on a new guy....only he's not a new guy. is it always like this? do you always go through a rough patch and then if you make it through, it's like it was before when everything was great? because if it is, i'm sure i'll be fine. i know at least if it happens once more, i'll be ready and i'll be okay because i know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.
it's an awesome feeling. i'm flying.
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